


honey

by hyuckshine



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Canon Compliant, Eating Disorders, Fainting, Hurt/Comfort, Platonic Relationships, Recovery, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-15 01:54:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18488899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyuckshine/pseuds/hyuckshine
Summary: he felt he couldn't change.he was going,going,gone.





	honey

**Author's Note:**

> this has essentially become my place to rant about my ed lmao im so sorry
> 
> this is fiction ! if this could trigger you, please don't read it
> 
> edit: 8/5/19  
> i reread this and I wasn't happy with some parts so I changed them ♡

Breakfast was always quiet, no one quite awake enough to make conversation. The gentle humming of the microwave, socked feet shuffling along the wooden floor, the boiling of the kettle, and sometimes, the muted twittering of birds from outside. It was early, 6:32pm to be exact, and here Donghyuck was, sitting at the kitchen table, a bowl of porridge in front of him. He didn't particularly like porridge, the bland taste and the oats sticking in his teeth, but it was only 156 calories, so he forced the gloop down his throat. Sometimes he would get a subtle taste of the teaspoon of honey he stirred in, in attempts to make the porridge at least a little edible, and the smallest smile would fall onto his face. 

It was the first time that week he had had breakfast, a cold rainy Thursday morning, the day NCT 127 were to have a 6 hour practice in preparation for the next leg of their tour. Unfortunately, he also had a 2 hour dream dance practice only 10 minutes after, and so, to avoid fainting or anything of the sorts, had forced a breakfast down. It felt heavy in his stomach, churning, unwelcome. In a perfect world, he would of been able to dance for 8 hours with nothing in his stomach. No, he thought, in a perfect world, I'd be able to eat without getting fat.

Making his way back to his room, he grabbed his training clothes and made his way to the bathroom. Knocking, checking no one was inside, he pushed the door open and dropped his clothes on the closed toilet seat. Donghyuck closed the door and hoped the bathrooms dodgy lock would work on him today. Although they had all worked out a system to avoid bursting into the toilet while someone was in there, there was always this nagging thought, floating around Donghyuck's head, that someone would walk in and see how big he was, and he really would not be able to handle that. He resisted the urge to weigh himself, knowing it would be inaccurate because he had just eaten, shrugging of his pyjamas and pulling the clothes onto his frail body.

It hadn't always been like this, no, surprisingly, he used to really like how he looked. He wasn't entirely sure what had caused it either. Control, maybe? Perhaps he was tired of constantly being told what to do, never being able to make a choice for himself. It also didn't help that he had gained weight, while he was off, and with nothing he could do about it, all he could now was just try his hardest to lose all he had gained as quickly as possible. He was currently only half a kilo away from the weight he was before he got injured. His ultimate goal was to weigh 50kg. Only 1.5kg to go.

Walking out the bathroom and back to his room, he stuffed a couple of things into his backpack and soon found himself standing by the front door. The rest of the members slowly trickled through, Taeyong arriving last. Donghyuck found himself with his eyes closed, buried into Johnny's side, Johnny's arm wrapped around his shoulders. It was so early and the dread in Donghyuck's stomach made him groan. Johnny rubbed his shoulder in support. “Come on, Hyuck, it'll be over before you know it.”

Piling into one of the minivans, Donghyuck found himself sat in between Yuta and Jungwoo. It was only a short drive, but Donghyuck found his eyes fluttering closed, finding himself in a weird state of not really being awake but not really being asleep either. He woke up to Jungwoo shaking him and gesturing for him to get out the car. Donghyuck quickly moved out, stars covering his vision, his body unprepared for the sudden movement. He bumped into Jaehyun's back, the older turning around and grabbing his arm. Jaehyun made eye contact with Donghyuck, a frown met with a shake of the younger's head. The frown didn't leave Jaehyun's face as Donghyuck walked ahead of him and into the building. 

“Swear something's up with him.” Johnny murmured into Jaehyun's ear. 

 

Donghyuck could think of a billion places he would rather be than in the practice room, the first one coming to mind being his bed. They had been dancing for almost 3 hours straight, mere minutes in between a couple of songs for the group to catch their breath. Donghyuck's legs felt like jelly, and the amount of energy it was taking to keep his eyes open wasn't worth it. They had been gifted a 10 minute break, while the choreographer went to find something. Donghyuck had simply collapsed in a ball in the corner of the room, burying his face into the hood of his hoodie. Despite dancing hard for such a long time, Donghyuck felt shivery, curling into himself even more in attempts to keep himself warm. While Donghyuck rested, he was unaware of the small meeting happening between the four eldest members of the unit.

“Maybe he's just a bit sick?” Yuta suggested.

“I don't think he is though, he becomes 10 times more clingy when he's ill and he isn't being any more clingy than usual. I feel like it's something else” Taeyong replied, concerned eyes falling onto the young boy.

“Could he be being overworked? I think he has a practice with dream after this.” Johnny suggested. 

Taeyong made a pained noise. “We can't let him go to it. He's clearly not well, whether he's sick or if it's something else. I'll talk to the manager about getting out of it, just for tonight. We can talk to him when we get back. Taeil, can you go talk to him now, while I talk to the manager?” 

“Sure,” Taeil replied, pushing himself off the floor and making his way over the Donghyuck. 

“Hyuck?” He called out. He sat next to the younger, the latter groaning but pushing himself up.

“Are we going again?” Donghyuck asked, rubbing his eyes. He felt horrible, his stomach was cramping, and he felt almost as if he was swimming, as if all the chatter from the room had been turned down. 

“No, not yet. I just wanted to ask if you were ok? You don't look so great.” And, oh, that hurt. Donghyuck was worrying his group. His brain instantly fell into a tirade, screaming about how selfish he was, how he deserved nothing. He was fat, selfish, disgusting, annoying, unwanted, and all Donghyuck could do was sit there and take it.

“Hyuck? You ok?” Taeil tried to keep the concern out of his voice, his heart hurting from what appeared to be fear glazing Donghyuck's eyes.

Donghyuck snapped his head to look at Taeil. “Oh, hyung, don't worry, I'm fine, just a little worn out. This practice feels like it's dragging.”

Taeil didn't feel convinced. “If you're sure, Hyuck. If anything is bothering you, you can come to one of us, any of us, we'll be more than happy to help.”

Donghyuck's face softened. “Of course, hyung, same for you, as in, you can come to me if you want. I'm always happy to help you all too.”

The choreographer walked back in and announced the break was over. Taeil stood up and offered his hand out for the younger. Taeil pulled Donghyuck up with little effort, why was he so light? 

 

Finally, the practice came to an end, and Donghyuck almost breathed a sigh of relief before he remembered his dream dance practice. He sighed as he gathered up his things and began walking out the room. He heard Taeyong shout, “Donghyuck, where are you going?”

“Dream dance practice, I'll be back before 3.” 

“Ah, don't worry about it Hyuck. I already spoke to the manager, told him you'd be too tired after this one and he's fine with it.”

A confused noise left Donghyuck's mouth. Had they been talking about him? Did they think he was incapable? He'd be fine, sure he felt like death, but it was only another 2 hours, it was nothing. “I'm fine, hyung, it's not that big a deal, I don't feel that tired, it's fine.” He couldn't afford to miss a practice, he'd already been out too long. Any opportunity to improve he needed to take it. It was for his own good. 

“No, Donghyuck, you're coming home. You're still building back up, and 8 hours is too much.”

“It's not, hyung, I'm fine!” Donghyuck snapped. He wasn't a child, he was an adult, for God's sake. He was capable of taking care of himself, he didn't need to be babied! The rest of the unit were watching the pair now, unsure of what to do. 

“Hyuck, just come home, it's only one practice.”

“NO! I CAN'T AFFORD TO MISS ANYMORE! I'VE ALREADY MISSED TOO MANY!” 

Taeyong gasped. Donghyuck never shouted. 

“Lee Donghyuck, you are coming home. And that's that.”

Donghyuck wished he could find it in himself to continue fighting back, but he was truly drained, just whining but allowing Taeyong to grab his wrist and pull him to the van. 

On the journey home, he was sat in between Taeyong and Mark. He lay his head on Taeyong's shoulder, hopeful Taeyong would interpret it as an apology, and Mark's hand was on his thigh, rubbing it in a comforting manner. He tried to keep as calm as possible, but he just felt like he was taking up too much space. What if his head was so heavy it was hurting Taeyong's shoulder? Could Mark feel the fat on his thigh? Did he think Donghyuck was disgusting? Was he taking up so much room in his own seat that he was starting to take up room in the other two's seats? Despite all of this, he couldn't bring himself to move. And so, he stayed still, skin crawling and mind racing. 

 

His head hurt so much. His stomach hurt so much. His legs, his arms, his neck, they all hurt so much. He was so hungry, he was nearly in tears. He hated this all so much. Why couldn't he just eat? Apart from the initial thoughts of he didn't deserve it, and that he was too fat, he was scared. He was so scared for some unknown reason, just the thought of eating made his heart race and his head spin (but maybe they were just side effects of not eating more than 800 calories a day in about 3 weeks). He was home, and after getting the hyungs off his back (making up some lie about struggling to sleep - but then again, not entirely a lie) he was in bed, twisting and turning, unable to calm himself down. He got up, padding into the kitchen, throat dry. 

Why was walking hard? Why couldn't he walk straight? Why couldn't he think straight, see straight? He just wanted a drink. He crashed into the wall. He just needed a moment. The dizziness would fade, like always.

The kitchen light was too bright. His head hurt.

He just wanted a drink. 

 

A loud crash startled Johnny. He had been washing his face when he heard it. Drying his hands, he peeked his head out the bathroom, and noticed the kitchen light was on. Someone probably getting a late night snack or something. He'd check in a minute. Applying his moisturizer, he tidied the bathroom up and turned off the light. Making his way to the kitchen, he swore when he found Donghyuck in a heap, out cold. 

“TAEYONG! TAEIL! ANYONE!”

He cradled the small boy to his chest, murmuring in his ear.

“Come on, Duckie, wake up, wake up, please? Come on, we've got you, please wake up.”

He was too small. When did he get this small?

 

Taeyong ran through the dorm. Who shouted him? Where were they? The kitchen light was on.

 

Nothing could of prepared Taeyong for what he found. Johnny sprawled on the floor, a pale, unconscious Donghyuck in his arms. 

“Is he ok? What happened?” Taeyong asked, kneeling beside the pair. Taeyong looked to the door to find Taeil, Jaehyun and Doyoung. 

“I don't know.” Taeyong could hear the panic in Johnny's voice, however hard he tried to mask it. “I was in the bathroom and I heard a bang in here and here we was. I can't wake him up.” 

“Should we call someone?” Doyoung asked. He was unable to look away from the boy. Donghyuck just looked gaunt. He hasn't looked like this when he returned, where had this happened? How? Why? 

As if sensing all the eyes on him, Donghyuck stirred and upon opening his eyes, let out a gut wrenching sob. He felt angry, he just wanted to run away but he couldn't, so he just cried.

Johnny lifted Donghyuck into his lap, stroking the younger's back as he cried. His breath caught as he felt the younger's spine sticking out. 

It felt like Donghyuck had cried for hours, but in reality, probably no more than a couple of minutes. He just wanted to disappear, they were going to ask questions, questions he would have to answer and he didn't want to. Maybe he was tired of destroying his body, but he needed to. He always ruined everything, he just wanted to reverse time, how far back, he wasn't sure. He just wanted everyone to go back to being blissfully unaware of what was going on and let him do this to himself in peace. 

His sobs died down, nothing but the dripping of the tap filling the eerie silence of the room.

“Hey Hyuck, back with us yet?” Johnny asked. They needed to be careful about this.

Donghyuck nodded. He just felt tired, but then again, when didn't he? Nothing bought him enjoyment anymore. Not playing, not singing, not performing, and, oh, that hurt. Donghyuck's most favourite thing in the world, didn't bring him enjoyment anymore. If he hadn't cried so much already, he could of easily broken down again. 

“I'm so sorry,” Donghyuck choked out. "Please don't be mad.

“We could never, Hyuck, but please let us help you. You aren't fine and you aren't healthy. You need help.”

Donghyuck looked down at his hands. Deep down, maybe he had always known something was wrong. But it couldn't be him. Things like this don't effect people like him. But he was so, so tired. He lived in a never ending cycle and he wanted to live. Not for short weeks at a time, when he weight felt like a minor issue, but truly live, to completely escape the cycle.

Donghyuck nodded again.

Recovery was a little bitch, and some days, Donghyuck just wanted to give up.

(He had woken up and immediately knew it wouldn't be a good day. He didn't go down for breakfast, feeling unable to even look at food in the state he was in.

They completed the days schedule and when he got home, Donghyuck realized he hadn't eaten all day. The thought calmed him.

He holed himself up in his room, feeling guilty but knowing he'd feel worse if he ate. 

Jaehyun had showed up a little later with a tiny portion of tonight's dinner. Donghyuck felt his face contort into a grimace as he shook his head.

“Not today, hyung, I'm so sorry but not today.”

“You don't have to eat it all. You haven't eaten all day, please, just a little bit.”

Nearly half an hour of coaxing and tears later, Donghyuck finished the plate.)

But sometimes, it was good. Sometimes he ate ice cream after dinner, sometimes he ate the leftover noodles as seconds, sometimes he stole the members snacks, and sometimes he exercised, not to burn calories, but because he could. Eating disorders never truly go away, but they do become easier to live with. 

Donghyuck was finally able to live again.

**Author's Note:**

> if you've read this far, damn sorry
> 
> stay safe friends, please reach out if you need to


End file.
